I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
