my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
