i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
