sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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