I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
false alarm, still single
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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