I checked into jail on foursquare
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
