Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
