Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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