Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
