I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
