I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
