Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
