I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
