Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
