the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
