new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
