He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
