I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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