The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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