i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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