my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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