you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
