you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
