So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
