I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
