New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
