i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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