Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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