we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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