I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
