I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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