Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
