If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
