I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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