What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
