i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
