Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
