It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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