Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
