Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
