I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
This toilet bowl is my home.
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