just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
