At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
