Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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