i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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