3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
