so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
