I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
