Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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