Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
