he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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