I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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