she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
