So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
