Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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