watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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