Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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