It's like God shit irony all over that family
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm like, not good at living.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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