I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
