Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
